Submitted by dragonbreath on Mon, 04/06/2020 - 07:55
going nowhere, or going down

I had to stop what I was doing the other day.  I wanted to be totally honest, but there were two ways I could approach this, and I had to decide before I went on. So ... living alone has it's highs and lows, ha, the same as living with others, the highs and lows just might look or feel different, or come about for different reasons. Anyway with the outside world becoming much more quiet, and less busy, I find that the silence and quiet in my home seems to be amplified. Amplified silence seems pretty wierd yet it makes sense to me, I hope it does to others. There's this dark place that I fall into occasionally, like when my phone doesn't ring for weeks on end, or I'm just tired of eating alone, sleeping alone, having no-one to say good morning to, no-one who says good-night, or welcome home. It'a place where my thoughts turn on me, and use me as a punching bag.  These are bad days, full of unproductive, negative thinking.  Here's the thing, I just got it myself!  It's not the silence that has been amplified, it's the size and duration of that dark place.  It's gotten bigger, and I'm in it for much longer. And, it's scary.  Day after day in this "lock down" situation where my only friend is myself,the only voice I hear is my own and it tells me no-one gives a shit about you, you are a waste of space, and on and on.  What if this dark place becomes like a black hole that just gobbles me up?  What if I am alive, but completely crazed when this is all over?  On Saturday, I grabbed my Lysol wipe, stuffed it in a baggy and went to the corner grocery store where I bought something I didn't need, just so that I could talk to the friendly cachier, then I went to Home depot bought some peat pots for seeds (will growing things make me feel better?) and talked to the cachier there as well.  I sure hope I come out of this sane.


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going nowhere, or going down
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